Would you blame your man if he strayed, looking the way you do?

MOTHERS certainly know best no matter how old
their children. Eccua, a younger friend, paid a visit
to her mum some few months back, virtually
bending her ears with tales of her husband’s
latest escapades. “She always made a soothing
noise whenever she realized all I needed to do
was let off steam”, said Eccua, “but this fateful
afternoon, my mum gave me a bored look,
yawned and declared: ‘Aren’t you a bit tired of
hearing your own moan? I mean look at you! A
graduate we were all proud of now turned into
what? Look at the back of your feet.
When last did you have a pedicure? Or a good
facial? Or a fancy stint at the hairdresser’s? I
scarcely see you in anything glamorous but a
frumpy boubou. If I were your husband, believe
me, I wouldn’t be interested either!” I glanced at
her and she glared right back. Whose side was
she on? I’m a mother of three for goodness sake,
not some femme fatal! she ought to be more
sympathetic”.
I hate to rob salt into Eccua’s wound but I told
her gently that I agreed with her mum. She was
really fashionable when she was younger and we
weren’t surprised when she married into a
respectable family. Now a couple of decades later,
she’s settled into a rut. She’d become sort of
‘mum-sy’ and even mothered her husband. I told
her that if she didn’t snatch a bit of her old self
back, find some self-respect, her husband might
not appreciate her. My harsh words obviously hit
home.
She looked at me as if I were a traitor, but I
gently pointed out to her that she might be
running a successful primary school, that didn’t
mean she had to dress the part of a school
ma’am! She’d put on more weight than necessary
and in spite of her mum’s warning, she had on an
unflattering boubou which seemed to be her trade
mark lately. “Why don’t you give away your
boubous and get some more flattering gears?”, I
asked her gently. She nodded, then left, a bit
dejected. Had I gone too far? She needed to be
shocked out of her complacency, I consoled
myself. Who best to do that but a well meaning
‘aunty’ like me?
When I next spoke with her on the phone, she told
me excitedly that she’d started on a diet and
joined a group of ladies that went for walks in
their estate. Good for her, I encourage, my
conscience salved. When next I saw Eccua, I
nearly flipped. She’d lost the right amount of
weight, had a lovely and flattering dress on. She’d
also put some fancy highlights in her hair. “Wow!”
I yelled encouragingly. “Double wow!” she
shrieked and then her phone rang. Her face
instantly lit up as she checked the caller’s
identity. She had on a smug smile after she
finished her call. ‘That was Femi, one of my
pupil’s dad’ ‘Oh’, I gulped. She joked: ‘Thanks to
you and mum. I can now pull men!” “Heh, that
wasn’t the idea”, I quickly told her. “We just
wanted you to feel good about yourself, not start
pulling men, left, right and centre!” Had we
created a monster?
“The good thing about having an inner glow is
that other people notice,” she told me smugly.
`Femi has two children in my school and
sometimes comes .for them instead of sending a
driver. We’ve often chatted but it never even
occurred to me that he could be anything but a
parent. After I lost weight, he started staying
longer and longer. When the staff decided to do a
play and one of Femi’s sons was involved, he
was excited, chipping in his bits at rehearsals and
since I hadn’t forgotten my sewing skills I made
some of the costumes. Femi praised my efforts to
high heavens one evening after rehearsal. We
were alone in my office and I thanked him. ‘What
could I have done without you!” I told him
innocently until I saw the dirty look on his face.
“Show me,” he declared as he moved closer to
me giving me a kiss. He must have unlocked
some hidden passion in me because I couldn’t
stop myself – I was all over him and he was
kissing me as if I was a much needed drug. We
made love right there and then in my office. It
was so daring, so passionate. And by the time I
got home that evening, I was still smiling. Seyi,
my husband, was waiting for me – he’d been
coming home early since I changed. I felt like a
teenager rather than a staid married woman!
Instead of dashing to the kitchen, I asked the
maid to rush to a lovely canteen a few doors
away – that specializes in home-made meals and
Seyi made a show of actually enjoying the meal.
In the past, he used to moan about my penchant
for buka foods and how I should take pride in
serving home made meals. After the meal, he
brought out my favourite wine, I was pleasantly
surprised. My hard work at keeping fit had
certainly paid off as we retired to the bedroom.
Then it hit me! I would be making love twice with
different men in the space of a few hours! Wicked!
“I intend to sleep with Femi a couple more times.
It is thanks to him that I got my sensual self
back. After that, I intend to let him know deep
down, it is my husband and my marriage that I
really want. Thanks to my mum’s seemingly cruel
jab at my appearance, and your backing her all
the way, I was jolted into taking another look at
myself. Now, I’ve virtually got my husband back
and it is worth the effort. “We go out more often
than we ever did in the last few years and we
make love more. Once he asked suspiciously
about why I decided to spruce myself up and I
told him about my mum. He was amused
Apparently, he had first thought I made the effort
for a lover! “It’s only you I’ve told about Femi and
I don’t feel guilty for cheating on Seyi, because
my fling has made our marriage stronger. I’m
glad I followed you people’s advice. By taking
some pride in the way I look, I’ve found the
respect I deserve.”
In The Line Of Duty? (Humour)
A man is delivering coal to a lady’s house. In
order to reach the coal shed, he had to carry the
sacks right through the garden, where the lady
has a lot of washing hanging out to dry on the
line. While carrying the sacks through, he brushes
against the clothes and gets them smudged and
dirty. The lady of the house notices this and
forbids him from delivering any more of the coal.
Not knowing what to do, he rings his boss.
‘The lady has got her clothes up and I’ve soiled
her drawers with my dirty bags,’ he explains. ‘I’ve
got half of it in, but she won’t let me put in the
rest because her drawers are in the way. And the
half I’ve got in, she won’t let me take out. What
should I do?”
‘You’ll just have to persuade her to let you put it
all in so you can finish it off. And in future, make
sure you ask her to remove her clothes first!’
Nasty Dog Bites? (Humour)
A married man decides to spend the evening with
his secretary, so he calls his wife to make an
excuse. He and his secretary go out to dinner,
then back to her flat for sex. Later, he looks in
the mirror and sees a huge love bite on his neck.
He panics, wondering what he’s going to tell his
wife.
Back home, as he opens the front door, the dog
bounds up to greet him. The man falls to the
floor, pretending to fight off the animal. Then,
holding his neck with one hand, he calls out to
his wife: “Look what the dog did to my neck!”
“That’s nothing!” she says, pulling up her top”.
“Look at what he did to my boobs!”